Eddie Izzard said it most recently, and I’m sure others have said it before him, so I really can’t take credit for the sentiment in the title, but it is a statement that I’m really coming to feel is true. Of course, me being me, my belief in people is tempered with a bit of cynicism and skepticism, but I also believe that we, as people, are the best hope this world has. If we’re going to make a go of things it isn’t going to be governments or churches or schools that are going to make things work, it’s going to be people.

As much as I’d sometimes like to do so, I can’t make space in my head for an all knowing, all seeing Supreme Being who has a plan and is running things. I understand that many people find a great deal of solace and strength from their religious and spiritual beliefs, and I certainly think that everyone is entitled to believe as they wish, right up to the point where their beliefs start oppressing or hurting other people, but organized religion and the idea of an all powerful deity doesn’t do it for me. Praying ain’t going to get us out of our messes. Trusting in ourselves and those around us might.

I know this might sound funny coming from me, because those who know me would tell you that people, particularly in groups, aren’t one of my favorite things. That’s true to some extent, but that’s mostly because a lot of people aren’t living up to their true potential and doing what they can to make their corner of the world a better place. It doesn’t have to be all new agey and flower power. It can simply be picking up the trash on your block, donating an hour a week to teach someone to read, or paying the bill of the person who is in line behind you at the grocery. If you’re spending more time worrying about what other people are doing that’s wrong than you are thinking about what you can do to make things right, then that’s a problem. We each have a sphere of influence. It may be small, but it’s ours, and we should do everything we can to make sure our influence is a positive one.

If you ask me, and believe me I’m aware that no one did, it’s time to stop focusing on our differences and start focusing on what we have in common. We’re human and we live on Earth. It may not seem like much, but that’s a pretty big swathe of common ground.

If we can learn to stand on that ground together and celebrate our differences as well as our similarities, I think we’ll have made a pretty good start.

When I started this blog I was so gung ho.  I thought this would change my life.  I thought I’d finally found the philosophy that would set me on a new path.  Like a lot of people who have indulged in magical thinking in the past, I thought simply creating a blog called Settling for More, would instantly help me learn how to do that.  I thought making a change would be as easy as stating my intent.  By now, I’ve realized, as many of you may have realized, that simply starting a blog and stating an intent doesn’t make it so.

Truth be told, I never really knew what this blog was supposed to be.  I knew I wanted, and still want, to change my life.  I wanted to jettison the chains that I felt were holding me back, chains formed of memory, and a mind that wouldn’t let me forget every hurt I’d done or every hurt that had been done to me.   I’d stored up all the slights and digs and doubts and forged them into this shield that I thought would protect me from everything.  In reality, it protected me from nothing, except perhaps the stuff that had the potential to make me happy.

Because I didn’t know what this blog should be, it has mostly languished these last few months.   I couldn’t tell the truth here, the truth being that I had big goals but I was afraid to pursue them, and I didn’t want to lie, so I didn’t say anything, except that I was too busy or I had other claims on my time, all of which were true and lies at the same time.  I can make time when I want to,  but telling the truth seemed to hard, and lies seemed to shameful.  Silence was the easier and, to me at least, more honest option.

Given that this is a new year, and given that I still want to change, I figured the beginning days of 2010 were a good time to start as I mean to go on.  That means telling the truth instead of avoiding it. That means setting goals I can live with, even if they aren’t as ambitious as I’d like them to be.  That means calling a spade a spade and accepting that I don’t always do as well as I would like, but I’m a good person anyway.  That means making mistakes, absolving myself of them and moving on, without the mistake clanking behind me like another link in the chain of my failure.

I’m not sure I can do this.  I’m not even sure I want to do this.  Telling the truth, my truth, has never been something I was particularly good at doing.  Keeping quiet and staying low always seemed safer.  Despite that fact, or maybe because of it, I’ve come to realize that no one much cares what I think, and that keeping quiet and staying low won’t get me to where I want and need to be.   I created the outlet when I created this blog.

Now I just have to make use of it.

I guess we’ll call this Why Worry Wednesday.  I’ve been pondering something for  a while and it has really been brought home to me in the last few days.  When I started this blog I made the decision that I would talk about everything and I wouldn’t use a pseudonym.  I’d be me and whoever came here could learn all about me if that’s what they chose to do.  I wouldn’t sugarcoat and I wouldn’t refuse to talk about things because they were hard or uncomfortable or cast me in a unflattering light.  The goal was to work through my own issues and to maybe put some stuff out there to help others.

I never explicitly said anything, but I guess in my own mind I’d kind of divided my personal life and professional life into separate categories. Kind of like the little kid who puts their head under a blanket and thinks you can’t see them because they can’t see you, I assumed that if I didn’t talk about my work on this blog, my professional life, and those I knew in my professional life, would stay separate from what went on here.   It quickly became apparent that was not the case.

If you’re wondering why I thought that was a workable plan, or why I even thought about it at all, I have to explain the weird combination of neuroses that is me.  In my professional life I’m calm, competent and in control.  I can lead people.  I can make big decisions, take on tough challenges and often appear to have most, if not all, of the answers.   As long as I have a task in front of me and a role to inhabit, I’m golden.

Sadly, my personal life doesn’t work quite that way.  I often don’t know who to be when I’m being simply me.  I tend to procrastinate about doing things that will benefit me personally.   As my little freak out about dating has aptly illustrated recently, I have some personal issues.  There have been times in my past, and still are occasionally times today, when I’m anything but calm, competent and in control.   There are also times when I really, really don’t want anyone to know that.

I guess I’ve reached a turning point.  Either I stop telling the truth here on the off chance that someone from my professional life, or a friend I knew twenty years ago, or some member of my family might read what I write here, or I continue to be me and do what I do and take the consequences as they come.  I guess what it comes down to in the end is whether or not people will think less of me for what I write here.

I suppose what it really comes down to is will I really care if they do.

If I’m proud of what I’m doing here,  does what anyone else thinks really matter?

I was going to start off tonight’s post with an update on the 40 things challenge.  The good news is that I’ve done a few things, I bought a shirt the cost of which will be donated to fight cancer.   I tried a new recipe, but there will be no Foodie Friday post this week, because I didn’t like the recipe I tried.  As impossible as it seems, I think I ruined pot roast. In any case, there wasn’t enough to make much more than a paragraph and that seemed like an awfully short post.

So, today, in lieu of a 40 things post, I’m going to take part in a meme.  I was tagged by H at Just H Design.   The meme requires that you list your top 7 dream jobs.   Hmm, this should be fun.  Or very revealing.   Or both, I suppose.

Dream Job #1:  Lounge Singer – I’ve always had a secret yen to put on a slinky gown, drape myself over a piano and sing torch songs until the wee small hours of the morning.

Dream Job #2: Museum Curator – I love history and old things.  Seeing how people lived and touching pieces of living history has always been fascinating to me.   I’d love to be able to design exhibits and teach people about the past.

Dream Job #3:  Romance Novel Writer – I want to write the bodice ripper novels, complete with heaving bosoms and throbbing loins.  O.k., not really, but I wouldn’t mind writing good romance novels and getting paid for it.  A well written romance novel is rather hard to find.

Dream Job #4: Leader of the Free World -  Hey, I couldn’t do much worse than those who’ve held the job in the past.

Dream Job #5: Restaurant Owner/Chef – I’ve always loved the idea of feeding people fabulous food in an amazing setting.  I’ve always pictured my restaurant as an intimate little bistro where only the best food and drink is served.

Dream Job #6: George Clooney’s Personal Assistant – See, he hires me for the job, realizes I’m what he’s been looking for all his life, sweeps me off my feet and we live happily ever after.   Hey, this is about life fantasies right?

Dream Job #7: Taster in a Gourmet Chocolate Factory – Dark chocolate please and really high end stuff.   I know I’d probably get sick of it after a while, but it sure would be fun until I got to that point.

I’m not sure what my dream jobs reveal about me, but it was fun thinking about them.  I’m going to pass this meme along to a few of my blogging friends.  It will be interesting to see what they have to say.

Jamie at Paint Til You Faint

Jody at The Hunter’s Wife

Tag, you guys are it.

Yesterday I did something that still mystifies me a bit.  I needed to stop at the grocery last night, which is never one of my favorite activities.  My new house is about a half mile, if that, from a grocery store.  There is also one about a mile or so from my office, which was the place I would be leaving to go to the grocery.  Either place would have made sense.  I like both stores equally well.  I didn’t, however, go to either of those stores.  Instead, I drove across town, and quite a bit out of my way, to go to a grocery store that I frequently shopped at when I lived in my apartment.  It made no sense.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I have become quite a creature of habit.  I like routine because, to me, routine equals safety.  If I know what’s going to happen and everything is familiar than it isn’t likely that anything will blindside me or make me feel unsafe.  I also feel more in control in surroundings that are familiar.  If I know the territory I feel as though I’m less likely to encounter anything that will make me upset or uncertain.

This all, of course, stems back to my fear that my depression might come back.  I’ve discussed my theory about building a safe and mundane life as a bulwark against future depressive episodes.  I’ve also noted that my theory doesn’t work and that, while I succeeded in keeping fun and happiness out, I didn’t succeed in eliminating sadness and grief.   I think part of my clinging to familiar surroundings and places is rooted in that theory.  Even though I know it doesn’t work, I still keep doing it.

When I started writing this blog, one of the things I wanted was a fuller, richer life.  I wanted to live at the apex of my potential in all areas.  I wanted job and laughter and love and wonderfulness, even if it did come with the potential for sadness and pain.  You can’t be open to one without being open to the other.  You also can’t deny yourself happiness just because sadness might come in the future.  That just doesn’t make sense.

One of my goals for the rest of this year is to stop being such a creature of habit and to try new things.  Maybe I’ll take a class.  Maybe I’ll try a new restaurant. Maybe trying new things will be as simple as going to the grocery store near my house.  All I know is that I need to expand my life.  I’m hoping that will become my new habit.

I’ve often wondered what turns a house into a home. Is it familiarity? Is it having all your stuff there? Is it feeling a connection to the people around you? What makes one place feel safe and like home and another place feel alien? These are the sorts of questions I’ve been facing lately.

I moved on Saturday. I can’t say the new condo feels like home yet, but I am more comfortable than I expected. I’ve been sleeping well, which I hadn’t thought would happen and, for the most part, I feel like I’ve settled in. For all that, this place still doesn’t feel quite like home though.

I’m waiting for that feeling of relief when I walk in the door. I want the knowledge that this is my safe place where I can relax and let my guard down. I do feel that somewhat, and I think the feeling will grow, but I still don’t feel like this is my place yet. I still feel like the condo and I are checking each other out, deciding whether or not we’ll work well with each other.

Mostly, I’m happy to be here. It was the right choice and a good choice for me. I just wish I felt more at home here. I know it hasn’t even been a week yet, and I’m sure it will happen, but patience has never been a virtue of mine. I want what I want and I want it now. In this case, I want to feel like I belong here, not like I’m staying in someone’s house and the owners will be back next week.

I think, as I add more of my own stamp to the house and get more of my own things put up it will start to feel more like home. Right now stuff is still in boxes and bags and that gives the place an unsettled feel. I’m going to work on getting stuff stored and put up this weekend and I think that will help. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to keep working on thinking of this place not as my house, but as my home.

I’ll admit it, I’m a bit of a performer. I like the spotlight and I like applause. It isn’t the only thing that motivates me, but I like being told that I’ve done a good job and I like having my hard work acknowledged and praised. I can get along without that, and I certainly know my own worth, but it is still nice to receive a pat on the back and a compliment every once in while.

My current dilemma is one that I’ve faced before.As usual I’ve managed to get drawn into something and essentially take on the entire burden of making everything work. I could be disingenuous and say I don’t know how that happens, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I do know how that happens. I get passionate about an idea and decide to throw my whole heart and soul into it and shortly after that everyone else realizes they can sit back and coast. I’ve done it to myself before. I’m doing it to myself again.

I suppose, actually I know, that I still have vestiges of the people pleaser left in me. I want to be liked and I want to be worthy so I try to be useful and helpful. There’s nothing wrong with that unless being useful and helpful starts to feel like a burden and a drain. Then it’s too much.

That, in a nutshell, is my dilemma. If I voluntarily take something on and even tacitly agree to do the bulk of the work, am I justified in getting angry later when no one says thank you? Can I change horses in mid stream and demand that the rest of the people with whom I’m working do more? Is it all right to tell everyone involved that I’m a little drained right now and I need a break so talk among yourselves?

I’m not sure yet what I want to do. Part of me just wants to say the hell with it and move on to other things. Another part wants to throw a temper tantrum. Yet another part is just saying shut up and see it through, there are people counting on you. Part of me also thinks I’m being a baby and very annoyingly whiny. Obviously there’s a bit of conflict.

Eventually I’ll work things out. I do know this, I do need to learn the lesson about taking things on only because I want to take them on, not because I think other people will admire or love me for taking them on. That’s a good lesson to learn, so, if nothing else, I can take that from this experience.

Sometimes I think I should have a category for this blog called “Complaints”. Not that I want to spend a lot of time complaining, but sometimes I just feel that life is messing with me. When I can look at things rationally, I know that I’m in a pretty good place. Sometimes, however, the rational part of my brain goes to sleep or takes a coffee break and all I’m left with is the part of my brain that wants to sit on the floor and cry like a tired child. That part of my brain was apparently in charge today.

I’ve been jumpy and irritable all day. I must have taken my pulse (always perfectly normal) 500 times. I’m worried about moving. I’m worried about not being able to move. I’m worried about my health. I’m bummed out about a job I interviewed for that turned out not to be the right job for me. I feel like I’m looking for things about which to be concerned. I know I’m probably borrowing trouble.

Most days I keep it on a pretty even keel. Some days, however, I really feel my lack of a confidante and my need for a supportive group of friends who are actually in the same place as I am . I have good online friends, but I don’t have anyone who lives where I live, who I could call and say “Today sucked. Want to go for a walk or to get some ice cream?” I really think having that outlet would help. I’m just not sure, as I’ve said before, how to go about finding it.

In any case, today is almost over. I’m tired, so I should sleep well, even though it is quite humid here, another thing that hasn’t helped my mood. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling better and brighter and knowing that everything else will work out. In the meantime, if you have any positive vibes to spare, please send them my way.

Tonight, I think I could use them.

I called this blog Settling for More for a reason. For a lot of my life I’ve felt like I’ve settled for less. I always had big dreams and hopes, but I also always had people telling me that those dreams and hopes most likely wouldn’t come true. The people who told me this weren’t being cruel or trying to crush me, they just knew me to be someone who dreamed large and they didn’t want me to get hurt when things didn’t happen as I imagined they would. I’m not sure I always appreciated that, but I do understand it.

I still dream big. I’m guessing that will never change. What has changed is the things about which I dream. I still want to accomplish a lot, but I’m no longer looking to be the most famous, the most beloved or to conquer the world. Mostly I just want to feel as though I’m doing good work, feel as though I’m loved, and feel as though I’ve made a difference. If those feelings came with a nice paycheck and a luxury lifestyle that would be nice, but it’s not necessary.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that the meaning of more is different for every person. My more won’t necessarily look like yours and vice versa. I believe that part of our job as people is to help those around us achieve their more, which means we can’t judge what someone else’s more looks like. One person may want to be a baseball player, another may hope to be instrumental in achieving world peace, and a third may aspire to open a vegan restaurant. None of those goals may figure into my more, but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

Part of the fun of this journey has been figuring out what my more is and what it is not. The things I thought I would want when I was 16 are not the things I want at age 39. Some of my ideas of more, like the idea of being a writer, have stayed pretty consistent. Others, like the thought that I would live in a penthouse in New York, have gone by the wayside. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that the meaning of more can change, and that the only way to achieve your more, and to help others achieve theirs is to be open to the idea that more can mean a lot of different things.

Personally, I find that exciting. I also think a world of people who are all working to achieve their own personal versions of more would be a very exciting and interesting place.

I’ve always been something of a loner. I need time by myself, to be quiet and think and dream. Historically, if you put me in a situation where I had to interact with people every minute of the day I’d retreat, or become overwhelmed. I need my space and my time to do what I want to do. I always have.

One interesting thing that has happened since I’ve been ill is that I want to be around people more. I crave the contact in a way I haven’t in the past. Part of it, I think, is because being around other people seems safer. If something goes wrong, someone will be there. The other half of it is that being around other people is distracting. I find now that if I let myself I can spend a lot of time when I’m alone dwelling on what might happen. That, needless to say, isn’t good for anyone.

I often joke that I need to find my Zen, but I think in this case that might be true. Worrying only leads to stress and stress only exacerbates my condition. Worrying also won’t change anything, what’s going to happen is going to happen. I’ve worked very hard to learn to see the good and the positive in every situation and I don’t want to backslide into my old gloomy mindset. So, I’m putting a lot of effort into staying positive and seeing the opportunities in what’s happened lately.

As for being alone, the reality of the situation is that is what I am right now. Part of that is my own fault, I haven’t worked to cement existing connections with family and friends and I haven’t gone out of my way to create new connections. Perhaps that’s one of the greatest good things to come out of this whole mess, it’s prompting me to work harder to make connections. That’s got to be a positive.

In the end, however, I would like to get my affection and enjoyment of solitude back. At times being alone has done me a lot of good and I want to be comfortable with being in that state. I guess I’ll know I’ve reached equilibrium when I’m comfortable either way, alone or in company.

That will be a nice place to be.