Back in November of 2008, I wrote a post where I set myself a challenge.   I was going to pursue 40 goals in my 40th year and hopefully in pursuing and achieving these goals, I would change my life.   It was a sound plan, if maybe a trifle ambitious.   Truth be told, I wasn’t ready for that much change in one year.  I could cite the pressures of work, the insane hours I work, health problems and a lot of other reasons why I didn’t accomplish everything on the list in a year, and they’d all be true, but the real reason is simply this:  I wasn’t ready.

Despite my lack of readiness, I still believe in the list, and I still think the goals on it are good ones for me to pursue.  I also know I don’t want the list to turn into yet another thing with which I can beat myself for not being good enough, not completing the list in the time frame I set, or whatever other transgression I can pin on myself.  If the list becomes an obligation instead of a privilege, then I’ll never get it done.

Probably one of the largest unwritten and unspoken items on the list is changing the way I think and giving myself a break on occasion.   I never specifically wrote either of those goals on the list in those words, but if you read between the lines, those goals are there.  Given that, I’ve decided to change the way I think and  give myself a break.  I’m expanding the time frame on the list.  Instead of a year, I’m giving myself a decade.

A decade will probably be more time than I need, and I may find that just taking the pressure of a shorter time frame off my shoulders will help me get back to working on the list on a more regular basis.  The goal here is to get some momentum going and hopefully once movement starts it will pick up speed as it continues.

I hope you guys will stick around with me as I work through my list.  I certainly need the encouragement, as well as people to keep me honest and on track.

As we all can see, I have a lot of things to do.

If there was one thing I knew would be guaranteed to bring up all my old angst, anxiety and insecurity, it was good old number one on the list.  Going on five dates, hell, going on one date,  fills me with all the feelings I’d pretty much blocked out over the years.  Suddenly I’m 15 again and the cute boy I’ve got a crush on is asking out my best friend.  Or it’s college, and the guy I’ve carried a torch for all year suddenly seems to notice me and then proceeds to end our relationship by telling me that he thought he couldn’t love, but he’s met someone new so he guesses it’s just me.  Throw in a bit of sexual abuse by a teacher I trusted and some other bad relationships along the way, and it’s no wonder I’m a bit gunshy.

Still, I made a commitment and I plan to see it though.  I signed up tonight for eHarmony, largely because I’d started a profile there once, so  lot of the work was done.  They were also having a special, so I got three months for a really low price.  I’m not sure if those were good reasons for signing up with that site, but I knew if I let myself, I’d think about it forever and never do it.  As it is, I have a knot in the pit of my stomach and I want to hide under my couch and not come out for several days.

I know it’s irrational.  I know I interact with men in several other settings without any problem at all.  I also know I’m not the awkward teenager I once was, and that I like and respect myself a lot more than I ever have.  Still, the thought of going on a date,  of meeting someone who might be evaluting me as a potential partner, makes me cringe.  I hate the thought.  Even though I know that in reality I’ll be doing the same thing to whomever I meet,  in my mind I’m putting all the power in his hands.  I’ve never been the woman that guys choose.  I guess I’m afraid that’s how it will continue to be.

Part of me wishes I could be a nun.  Or maybe that I’d met the love of my life at 15 and married him and we’d been together forever.  Having had only bad relationships has not prepared me to be optimistic.  I’m trying to be, but mostly I feel like I’m being led to the stake and the villagers are lighting the torches.

Martyrdom can’t be a very attractive dating style.  Anyone have any advice for me?  Or should I just give it up and hide under the couch?

There are dust bunnies down there, but I could make it work.

I have always wanted to be one of those people who was relaxed about things.  I never have been.  I’m probably the most relaxed that I’ve ever been in my life right now, but I have to work at it all the time.  I can’t just accept that things will work out and that everything is working for the best.  I have to manipulate and plan and worry and try to control things.   I can’t just seem to go with the flow.

I like to have plans.  I like to know what’s going to happen.  I like to feel that I’m controlling the situation instead of the situation controlling me, and to a certain extent that’s a good thing.  The only problem with wanting to be in control is that it’s not always possible.  Sometimes events don’t go as you wish.  Often people don’t do what you would like them to do.  You can plot and plan and try to control every facet of every detail and still sometimes things won’t go the way you’d like them to go.

I know the quality of my life would be better if I could just relax and accept that things will happen as they’re meant to happen.  I certainly know that a lot of my relationships would be easier.   Being less controlling and more at peace with the process of life are exactly why numbers 24, 26 an 27 made it on the list.  I need to learn to trust more and worry less.  I need to believe that things are really working for my highest good, even if I”m not quite sure what that highest good might be.

I’m not sure how one works at going with the flow, or even if it’s possible to work at that, but I’m going to try.  If anyone has any tips on how to go about doing that.  Please share.

After all, we all know I like to have a plan.

Today I want to talk about number 33 and number 36 on my 40 things list.  Number 36 is “Stop Procrastinating”.  This is something I really need to take to heart and I figured a one of the things I need to stop procrastinating about is number 33.   As I said last week, dating basically gives me hives.   I knew this when I put dating on the list, and I knew I have a tendency to avoid things that make me uncomfortable when I put stop procrastinating on the list.   So, I want to stop procrastinating, and I’ve resolved I’m going to join an online dating site.  I now have just one problem.

I’m not sure which one to join.

If you Google “online dating sites” you get 28, 300,000 results.  That’s a lot of sites.  Some of the sites have names I recognize, others I’ve never heard of, even in passing.  Add to that the fact that sites like Facebook have dating groups and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever know what’s right.  Should I go with a site that has a name I recognize on the theory that a well known site will have more choice? Or should I got with a site that has a narrower focus in the hopes I’ll find someone who shares a particular interest of mine?  Maybe I should sign up with a site that is for the 40 and over crowd, expect I’m not sure I want to limit my age range like that.  After all, what if the man of my dreams is 35 or, though this seems less likely, 25?

I guess one way to make a decision would be to look at reviews of online sites.  My only concern here is how will I know how impartial the reviews are.  On the other hand, I have to wonder if reviews matter at all.  Maybe all the sites are the same.  Maybe I’m better off going  for something local rather than something nationwide or global.

Maybe I’m dithering and putting obstacles in my own path so I don’t have to sign up for any site at all.

O.k., this has got to stop.  I said I was going to do this, and I am.

In one week.

I’m going to research all the sites I can find this week.  I’m also throwing myself on the mercy of those who read this blog.  If you’ve ever used a site or know someone who’s using an online dating site, please share your (or their) experience.  I’d love to have some first hand testimonials.

Next Monday I’ll make my decision, sign up with one site and put my profile out there for all the world to see.

Have I mentioned I hate this?

I guess, despite that fact, I have to believe it will be worth it.

When I was making up the list for my 40 things project I knew I wanted it to be a mixture of tasks that enriched my life and tasks that challenged me.  I want to make some real changes this year, so I didn’t want my list to be entirely frivolous or entirely boundary pushing.  I wanted a bit of each and, for the most part, I think that’s what I got.

Most of the things on my list are in my comfort zone or not far out of it.  Creating a garden, that’s a snap.  Meeting my fitness and exercise goals is a bit harder and requires some lifestyle change, but it can be done.  I’m even finding the stuff that requires me to get out and meet people I don’t know and be (gasp!) social in a non-work, non “this is my field of competence” setting to be a bit exciting, most of the time anyway.  Sadly, it seems there’s only one set of items that’s giving me trouble.

I put dating on the list because I do want to find the love of my life.  I do want to fall in love and know what it feels like to have that be a positive experience.  I’d like to know what being part of a loving couple is like.  I just don’t want to have to meet a man, get to know him, date, make myself vulnerable and potentially experience rejection to get to that point.

Ideally, I’d look up and spot the man of my dreams across a crowded room.  We’d know instantly we were meant for each other and that would be it.  There would be no awkward first date, first kiss, first night together,  it would all be decided in an instant and we’d both be filled with the certain knowledge that this was right.

I know that only happens in romance novels, and usually not even in those because the man and woman can’t finally get together and be happy until the book ends, but I’m starting to think having it happen in an instant may be the only way I’m going to find love.  I’m too gun shy and I’ve been burned too many times before to trust easily or quickly.  While I tell myself I’m worth it, I do have doubts that there are many, if any, men who will stick around while I work things out.  Frankly I’m not sure I would were the situation reversed, so how can I expect anyone else to do so?

When I started the list for this project I made a commitment to see it through.   I didn’t realize when I put dating on the list how much angst and fear the idea of dating would bring up.  So I suppose I’ll have to work a bit harder to get past the “but I don’t wanna” feelings and I’ll have to trust that this will be a good thing and worth doing.   I’ll also have to trust that there are men out there who will think I’m worth it.  After all, I’m a different person now, so I should be much better at choosing men.

I guess I’ll just have to repeat that to myself until it sinks in.

Well, this is it, the last five things.  At the end of this post, my list will be complete.  How exciting is that?   I guess it’s not before time too, as my birthday is this Thursday.  That day will, of course, mark the official beginning of my journey.  I”m kind of excited and a little scared.  I think this is going to be a year that brings a lot of change.

List Item 36:  Stop procrastinating – I’m am a terrible procrastinator, and I mostly procrastinate about stuff that will benefit me.  I”m not sure why that is, but I want it to stop.

List Item 37:  Say thank you – There are a lot of people that have helped me in my life.  Some were mentors at jobs I had, others were friends that threw me a lifeline when I needed one,  a few were family that offered me a safe place when no place felt safe.  Because of my insecurities I tend to abandon people before they can abandon me.  I’ve not always done right by people who’ve done right by me.  This year I’d like to say thank you, publicly, to some people who deserve it.

List Item 38: Learn to say no – I’m a people pleaser.  Like a lot of people who still battle low self esteem I tend to crave approval.  One way to get approval is to take on all the mucky jobs and volunteer to do what others don’t want to do.  The problem with this strategy is that you often get stuck with all the work and no one appreciates you anyway.  This year I only want to say yes to what I really want to do, and to what I think will benefit me, not to the things I think will make other people like me more.  I’m of value just as I am, not because of what I do.

List Item 39: Value myself highly -  As the hair color commercial says “I’m worth it”.  This year I want to learn to appreciate my strengths.  I want to look in the mirror and think “people are lucky to be with you” not wonder why people would want to be with me.  I’ve spent too long thinking I wasn’t worth it.  As I turn 40 I want to know I’m not only worth it, I’m a treasure.

List Item 40: Have Fun – I’ve never been much good at being carefree and in the moment.  I’ve always worried about how I’d be perceived, or I felt I should be more responsible or I just couldn’t relax enough to let go and enjoy myself.   In my 40th year I’d like to have at least a few moments of good, silly fun, and I’d like to be able to unbend enough to enjoy the moment.

Wow.  That’s the end of the list.  I’ve set myself quite a task for the next year, and I’m excited and a little apprehensive about getting started.   I’m eager to see how this all turns out.

Well, this is the second to the last post.  My list is almost complete.  It has been surprising, even to me, what has shown up on the list.  It’s also been exciting.  Even if I only accomplish half of what I hope to in the next year, I’ll still have made some sweeping changes in my life.

Now, on with the list.

List Item 31: Learn a Craft – I always say I’m not artistic, or that my art lies in words, but I don’t think that’s really the case.  While I can’t draw and am not attracted to crafts like scrapbooking and such, I think I might like knitting or needlepoint.  This year I want to try a few crafts like that and see if one of them strikes my fancy.

List Item 32: Hike the TART Trail System – I set this goal for myself a while ago and then never followed through.  The area in which I live has a great section of trails, perfect for hiking.  I want to take advantage of the trails this year.  It will be good exercise and will allow me to experience some of the beauty that is all around me.  I live in a lovely part of the country.  I should appreciate that more.

List Item 33: Join an online dating site – I’ve thought about doing this several times, but never had the nerve.  I always say I want my relationships to happen organically, but let’s face it, that doesn’t always work. Maybe meeting some men who are looking for someone too wouldn’t be such a bad thing.  At the very least it will get me out there a bit more and that should be a good thing.

List Item 34: Reconnect with my past – I recently signed up with Facebook.  A lot of the people who contacted me have been people from high school.  My reaction to seeing their names again was curious, I mostly wanted to avoid them.  Not because I had bad memories of those people, but because I had bad memories of the time.  This year I want to reconnect with the good memories and the good people who were part of my past.  I need to learn to separate the painful from the good and to appreciate the good.

List Item 35:  Be Kristine – I stole this list item from Gretchen at The Happiness Project.   Basically what “being Kristine” means is that I accept my likes and dislikes and don’t try to force myself to be someone I’m not.  I accept  the fact that I probably will never want to try skydiving, will always need solitary time and will never be able to draw or cut a straight line.  I allow myself to be who I am without apologies and while realizing that we all have different strengths and weaknesses and part of being myself is recognizing and appreciating my own.

One more post and the list is done.  Then the fun really starts,  and I start checking things off the list and writing about all my adventures.  By the way, I already started toward one thing on my list.  I bought the seeds for my container garden last night.

This project has already taught me so much about myself.  I’m discovering things I didn’t even know I wanted to do, and I’m identifying so many areas that I want to improve or change.  So far this has been a wonderful journey, and I really feel that this will change my life.  I’m very excited.

Tonight we start on the second half of the list.

List Item 21: Be Better About Doctor and Dentist Appointments – My childhood was filled with doctor appointments.  I was poked and prodded more than any kid should have to be.  When I got older, my sole goal in life was to avoid the doctor.  After last year, I realize having regular appointments is the smart thing to do.  That doesn’t mean I’ll like them any more than I ever did, it just means I’ll keep them and be responsible about making them when I should.  My health is too important to be childish about it.

List Item 22: Teach Someone to Read – I taught myself to read when I was four.  Reading has always been one of the joys of my life, and I’ve always read fast and far above my chronological and educational level.  I can’t imagine how hard it would be if you didn’t know how to read and how much that would limit you.  I want to help someone experience the beauty of words as I know them.  I’m not sure what form this will take yet, but I do know I want to help someone learn to read.

List Item 23: Take in one cultural event a season – There aren’t many ways in which I consider my childhood to be lucky, but one thing in which I was fortunate was culture.  The town where I grew up had a great library, a terrific theater company, a marvelous symphony and an outstanding Center for the Arts.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten away from the joys of theater and the symphony.  I’d like to be able to enjoy some of what I’ve been missing.

List Item 24:  Believe in a benevolent Universe – I tend to be a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” kind of person.  Although I try to be positive and hope for the best, secretly, inside, I’m expecting the worst.  During my 40th year I choose to believe that only the best will happen, and I choose to live my life as though I only expect the best.  After all, I’m planning to take a lot of chances this year, and people who believe the universe has a safety net for them are more likely to push the boundaries.

List Item 25:  Personalize the look of my blogs -  These blogs have templates and themes that are not personalized at all.  That’s largely because I have next to no graphic design skills.  My talent is words, not drawing or painting or any sort of design.  This year one of my goals is to give these blogs a look that reflects what they are, and who I am.

That concludes the fifth five things.  Fifteen more to go and the list is complete.

On Wednesday, I began with the first five things on my 40 things list.   Today I wanted to discuss the second five things.  I’m breaking the list up into groups of five because it seems about the right length for a blog post.  Once I’ve listed all the items in posts, I’ll create a page which will have the list in its entirety.   For today, however, we’ll just deal with the second group of five.

List Item 6:  Find some style -  I have, and I freely admit this, the world’s most boring wardrobe.  I have made attempts to be fashionable and/or find a style of my own in the past and they didn’t work well.  Most attempts were not attractive and some were downright painful.   This time I’d like to find  look that is both comfortable and attractive.

List Item 7: Help fight cancer – I lost my mother to cancer six years ago.  I have an uncle that survived a round of prostate cancer and another that is currently fighting colon cancer.  I know what devestation cancer can cause, and I’d like to be at least a small part of helping fight it.  I’m guessing that will mean that I do something like Relay for Life, or it could mean volunteering for the American Cancer Society.  I just know I want to make at least some small contribution.

List Item 8: Have a Party – This may sound like an odd list item, but throwing parties is something I don’t do well or easily.   I’m very protective of my private space and very choosy about who I let into it.  I also tend to be a perfectionist and suffer extreme levels of stress and anxiety when I think of having people over to my home.  I want to get past that.  I want my home to be a welcoming place where my friends and family can come and be comfortable.  I figure one step on that path is to throw a party.

List Item 9:  Create a Home Decor that Suits Me -  I bought my first home in August of 2008.  I’ve done very little about decorating it.  That is partly because money is a bit tight right now, and being crafty is not really a skill set of mine, and partly because I’m not sure what to do.  Part of my goal for this year is to find my own style, and to create a home that reflects my tastes and is welcoming and comfortable.

List Item 10: Learn to shoot a gun – This is another thing that has been on my list of things to do for a while now, but still somehow hasn’t gotten done.  I want to learn to shoot.  I’d like to become a good shot, but I’ll settle for learning how to shoot at all.

This post marks the first quarter of my list.  There are some exciting things on the list so far.  It will be interesting to see how this list changes my life during the course of my 40th year.

Well, I guess I better get this show on the road at some point.  I figured the best way to start would be to begin with the list.  Today I’m going to name the first five items and tell you a bit about why each made the list.  Just so everyone knows, these items are not necessarily in any order.  At some point I will explain how the list was constructed and what criteria I used to decide what made the list and what didn’t, but that point won’t be today.  Right now, I just need to make the list and the project more real by talking about them.  So here goes.

List Item 1: Go on five dates – I’m soon to be 40 and I’m single.  Seriously, extremely, single.  I’m also the world’s worst dater.  I hate dating, and when I did date, which was quite some time ago, I was awkward and bad at it.  I guess it’s time to get back on the horse.  I just hope that fortune will spare some grace for the poor guy who has to be date number one.  I’m not sure anyone deserves that.

List Item 2:  Try one new recipe a week – I’m in a serious food rut, and I need to get out of it.  In the past six months, I’ve lost about 50 pounds and I have learned to eat better and smarter.  The problem is that I need to expand my food choices.  I figure trying one new recipe a week will let me experience 52 new recipes in a year.  I can also write about the recipes I try here.  We can have Foodie Friday.  How cute is that?

List Item 3:  Get my Hunter Safety Training – I’ve been talking about this for two years now, and still haven’t done it.  I’m worried I’ll be stuck in a class with 40 11 year old boys, or that I’ll do something stupid, but it’s important to me to accomplish this goal.  A lot of people I admire hunt, and I’d like to have to option to do so too, should the mood take me.

List Item 4: Sing a Solo in Public – I used to love singing and sang solos and in choirs all the time.  A combination of laziness and illness has gotten me away from music, and I miss it.  I’m healthy now and in better shape than I’ve been in a long while, and my voice is starting to come back.  I want to use it again.

List Item 5: Learn a second language – I love languages and always have.  I also have always felt vaguely guilty that I only speak one, when so many people in other parts of the world speak their native language and English as well.  In my 40th year I’d like to learn a second language well enough to at least understand what  is being said.  I’m not hoping for fluency, although that would be nice, I’m just hoping to expand my knowledge a little.

So, that’s the first five.  There’s a lot more to come, but I’m excited about the start of the list.  I think there’s some good things here so far.

The next five things should be along in a couple of days, so stay tuned for that.