I’m the Queen of Unrequited Love.   Since I’ve been old enough to stop thinking boys are yucky, I’ve almost always been in the throes of a crush on some male or other.  Most of my crushes were on men with whom it was virtually impossible to form a relationship.  Either they were unavailable for some reason, or they were totally uninterested in me and the possibility of a relationship was as remote as the possibility of my suddenly sprouting wings and flying to the moon.

There was, as always, a method to my madness.  Crushes gave me a way to experience all the excitement of being in love without, you know, actually having to “be” in love and experience the vulnerability that entails.  Forming crushes on unavailable men also gave me assurance of what I was pretty sure was going to happen anyway, a sad and lonely ending to the love affair.  Since the guy in question was never going to love me, something I always secretly believed would happen because I wasn’t that lovable,  I didn’t have to wonder if I would be hurt or anticipate a bad ending to things.  That bad end and the hurt that came with it was a certainty.

Compounding my little crush problem is the fact that I’m totally clueless when it comes to determining if a man is actually interested in me.   I’ve been places with friends and been told after the fact that a man was flirting with me and I was totally oblivious.  I’ve identified a few times myself when I was given an opening the size of a Mack truck and I completely failed to see it or take advantage of it.   When it comes to the logistics of love, it’s like my radar is off and my navigation is completely screwed.  I tend to focus on men who most likely would never be Mr. Right, or to get involved with men who clearly are not Mr. Right while a potential Mr. Right is standing off to the side vainly trying to get my attention.

I’m sadly in need of advice and counsel.   Those of you who are in a relationship, how did you know Mr. or Ms. Right was right?   Those of you who aren’t currently in relationships, how are you planning to go about finding Mr. or Ms. Right?  At this point I’ll take any and all suggestions, since I don’t seem to be doing to well at this on my own.

Considering my last post here was some months ago, you might say I’ve been a bad blogger.  In my defense I needed to go away for a while to get my head on straight.  I’d gotten myself all tied up in knots over this whole love and dating thing, and it had assumed an importance and a significance that it didn’t really have.  I wasn’t approaching things in the right spirit, and something that should have been fun was instead a chore and a burden.  Clearly, I was in need of an attitude adjustment.

Oddly enough, my shift in perspective occurred at a Fourth of July party.  It wasn’t a large party, but in the course of it, we started talking about my desire to find a partner.   I was, you see, the only solo guest at the party.  My single state ended up being one  of the discussion points at dinner, and the thing that struck me most was the fact that everyone at the table, including the men, seemed to take it for granted that I was a catch.  There was no doubt in their minds that if I put myself out there I could find someone who would think I was wonderful.  No one, mind you, was claiming that there wouldn’t be some frogs to kiss along the way, but no one seemed to be in doubt that there would be princes who would find me worthy of kissing as well.

I was also told another wise thing at this dinner, and it was something that struck right to the heart of my problem.  You have to, I was told, go into it with no expectations.  If you meet someone who turns out to be a good friend, that’s great.  If you meet someone you don’t particularly like, or with whom you don’t click, that’s o.k. too.  If you go out enough times, you’ll eventually meet someone who you really like, but you have to be open to the possibilities.

For me, meeting someone and dating has always been more about me waiting for someone to want me and pick me than it has been about me wanting or picking.   Once I switched my perspective from being passive to being active, the whole thing became a lot less scary and a lot more fun.

I still haven’t gone on a date yet.  I do, however, have my profile, complete with picture, on three online dating sites.  I am, as I noted in the title of this post, taking my first tour of the boy buffet.  I’m kind of excited by all the choices out there, and I know I may have to sample several things before I find the perfect dish, but that’s part of the fun.  Right now I’m just responding to people who catch my eye and seeing what happens.

I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

I’ve always been a person who lived in my head.  Half of my life has been lived in my imagination and generally has no connection to what is actually happening in the life I’m living.  I’ve imagined a million futures for myself.  In my head I’ve been everything from a famous writer to a famous singer to a spy to a master criminal.  I like playing with alternative futures and speculating what might have happened if I’d gone right instead of left.   It’s kind of fun.

It didn’t take long for me to recognize the power of this imagination that I have.  I’m pretty big on visualization.  For me, it works.  I tend to imagine scenarios and try to work them out in my head before I play them out in real life.  I’ve imagined job interviews, speeches, presentations, meeting new people and a host of other situations so when those things happened in real life I was ready.   While I’m not a huge proponent of the whole affirmation movement, I do believe that visualization can help you be prepared for real life events.  I know it has worked for me.  That, sadly, is what has me worried at the moment.

Any of you who read here regularly know that one of the goals of my 40 Things Project is to go on five dates this year.  I want to meet someone and fall in love.  I want to have a supportive, loving relationship.  I just can’t imagine that happening.

Sure, I can imagine the romantic movie kind of love.  I can fantasize about ending up with George Clooney or Tim Omundson or any number of handsome men,  and have a lovely time doing it.  What I can’t do is fathom meeting an ordinary guy and falling in love.  I can’t envision having someone there for me day in and day out.  I can’t imagine some man picking me to love over everyone else.  I just can’t see it.

I have to confess that worries me.  I’ve always believed if I could envision it, I could make it come true.  I’m not saying it would be easy or quick, but I believed I could get it done.  Now I’m trying to imagine something that is really quite important to me, and I can’t seem to see it.   I don’t know how it will look.  I can’t decide how it will feel.  I’m not sure I even believe it could happen.

So I guess that’s the question.  If I can’t imagine it, can it happen?

If there was one thing I knew would be guaranteed to bring up all my old angst, anxiety and insecurity, it was good old number one on the list.  Going on five dates, hell, going on one date,  fills me with all the feelings I’d pretty much blocked out over the years.  Suddenly I’m 15 again and the cute boy I’ve got a crush on is asking out my best friend.  Or it’s college, and the guy I’ve carried a torch for all year suddenly seems to notice me and then proceeds to end our relationship by telling me that he thought he couldn’t love, but he’s met someone new so he guesses it’s just me.  Throw in a bit of sexual abuse by a teacher I trusted and some other bad relationships along the way, and it’s no wonder I’m a bit gunshy.

Still, I made a commitment and I plan to see it though.  I signed up tonight for eHarmony, largely because I’d started a profile there once, so  lot of the work was done.  They were also having a special, so I got three months for a really low price.  I’m not sure if those were good reasons for signing up with that site, but I knew if I let myself, I’d think about it forever and never do it.  As it is, I have a knot in the pit of my stomach and I want to hide under my couch and not come out for several days.

I know it’s irrational.  I know I interact with men in several other settings without any problem at all.  I also know I’m not the awkward teenager I once was, and that I like and respect myself a lot more than I ever have.  Still, the thought of going on a date,  of meeting someone who might be evaluting me as a potential partner, makes me cringe.  I hate the thought.  Even though I know that in reality I’ll be doing the same thing to whomever I meet,  in my mind I’m putting all the power in his hands.  I’ve never been the woman that guys choose.  I guess I’m afraid that’s how it will continue to be.

Part of me wishes I could be a nun.  Or maybe that I’d met the love of my life at 15 and married him and we’d been together forever.  Having had only bad relationships has not prepared me to be optimistic.  I’m trying to be, but mostly I feel like I’m being led to the stake and the villagers are lighting the torches.

Martyrdom can’t be a very attractive dating style.  Anyone have any advice for me?  Or should I just give it up and hide under the couch?

There are dust bunnies down there, but I could make it work.

Today I want to talk about number 33 and number 36 on my 40 things list.  Number 36 is “Stop Procrastinating”.  This is something I really need to take to heart and I figured a one of the things I need to stop procrastinating about is number 33.   As I said last week, dating basically gives me hives.   I knew this when I put dating on the list, and I knew I have a tendency to avoid things that make me uncomfortable when I put stop procrastinating on the list.   So, I want to stop procrastinating, and I’ve resolved I’m going to join an online dating site.  I now have just one problem.

I’m not sure which one to join.

If you Google “online dating sites” you get 28, 300,000 results.  That’s a lot of sites.  Some of the sites have names I recognize, others I’ve never heard of, even in passing.  Add to that the fact that sites like Facebook have dating groups and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever know what’s right.  Should I go with a site that has a name I recognize on the theory that a well known site will have more choice? Or should I got with a site that has a narrower focus in the hopes I’ll find someone who shares a particular interest of mine?  Maybe I should sign up with a site that is for the 40 and over crowd, expect I’m not sure I want to limit my age range like that.  After all, what if the man of my dreams is 35 or, though this seems less likely, 25?

I guess one way to make a decision would be to look at reviews of online sites.  My only concern here is how will I know how impartial the reviews are.  On the other hand, I have to wonder if reviews matter at all.  Maybe all the sites are the same.  Maybe I’m better off going  for something local rather than something nationwide or global.

Maybe I’m dithering and putting obstacles in my own path so I don’t have to sign up for any site at all.

O.k., this has got to stop.  I said I was going to do this, and I am.

In one week.

I’m going to research all the sites I can find this week.  I’m also throwing myself on the mercy of those who read this blog.  If you’ve ever used a site or know someone who’s using an online dating site, please share your (or their) experience.  I’d love to have some first hand testimonials.

Next Monday I’ll make my decision, sign up with one site and put my profile out there for all the world to see.

Have I mentioned I hate this?

I guess, despite that fact, I have to believe it will be worth it.

When I was making up the list for my 40 things project I knew I wanted it to be a mixture of tasks that enriched my life and tasks that challenged me.  I want to make some real changes this year, so I didn’t want my list to be entirely frivolous or entirely boundary pushing.  I wanted a bit of each and, for the most part, I think that’s what I got.

Most of the things on my list are in my comfort zone or not far out of it.  Creating a garden, that’s a snap.  Meeting my fitness and exercise goals is a bit harder and requires some lifestyle change, but it can be done.  I’m even finding the stuff that requires me to get out and meet people I don’t know and be (gasp!) social in a non-work, non “this is my field of competence” setting to be a bit exciting, most of the time anyway.  Sadly, it seems there’s only one set of items that’s giving me trouble.

I put dating on the list because I do want to find the love of my life.  I do want to fall in love and know what it feels like to have that be a positive experience.  I’d like to know what being part of a loving couple is like.  I just don’t want to have to meet a man, get to know him, date, make myself vulnerable and potentially experience rejection to get to that point.

Ideally, I’d look up and spot the man of my dreams across a crowded room.  We’d know instantly we were meant for each other and that would be it.  There would be no awkward first date, first kiss, first night together,  it would all be decided in an instant and we’d both be filled with the certain knowledge that this was right.

I know that only happens in romance novels, and usually not even in those because the man and woman can’t finally get together and be happy until the book ends, but I’m starting to think having it happen in an instant may be the only way I’m going to find love.  I’m too gun shy and I’ve been burned too many times before to trust easily or quickly.  While I tell myself I’m worth it, I do have doubts that there are many, if any, men who will stick around while I work things out.  Frankly I’m not sure I would were the situation reversed, so how can I expect anyone else to do so?

When I started the list for this project I made a commitment to see it through.   I didn’t realize when I put dating on the list how much angst and fear the idea of dating would bring up.  So I suppose I’ll have to work a bit harder to get past the “but I don’t wanna” feelings and I’ll have to trust that this will be a good thing and worth doing.   I’ll also have to trust that there are men out there who will think I’m worth it.  After all, I’m a different person now, so I should be much better at choosing men.

I guess I’ll just have to repeat that to myself until it sinks in.

I met him at a party.

It was magical.  We laughed, we talked, we cuddled and giggled and fell ever more in love.  I felt all the things I’d always wanted to feel.  I felt beautiful and special and desired.  I was the center of his attention, he laughed at my jokes, listened when I talked, and clearly found me attractive.  I was all the things I’d always wanted to be and he was all the things I’d always hoped I’d find.

Oddly enough, there was no hesitation.  I didn’t worry he’d hurt me, or leave me, or find someone else he liked better.  I, who never trusts anyone easily, trusted completely and without reservation.  I knew my heart and my head were safe in his hands.  I knew it would all be o.k.

Sadly, eventually we had to part.  He went back to where ever it is that dreams go.  I woke up, showered and went to work.

I had the dream last night.  I always dream vividly, but this one was especially vivid.  It’s hung with me all day today, mostly because of the pure happiness I felt in the dream.  I was the one someone loved.  I was desired and wanted and adored.  I’ve never experienced that in my real life, not without a lot of bad stuff thrown into the mix.  To experience that heady joy was wonderful.  To experience it without any fear or anxiety was priceless.

When I woke up, I almost felt as if I’d lost something.  Like everyone else in the world I want to be loved.  I’m enough of a romantic, still, to hope that I’ll find the perfect man for me and build a life with him.  As every year wears on, however, I start thinking that won’t happen.  I start thinking that my life will be a solo effort.  I’m o.k. with that because I have to be.  I’m o.k. with that because I’d rather be alone than settle.

I don’t know who dream man was, but I hope someday I meet him.  Just once, I’d like to experience in real life what I experienced in that dream.

I have to confess that I’m pretty bad at meeting new people.  It’s not that I’m particularly shy, it’s just that I have a tough time making the initial contact.  Take, for instance, my new neighborhood.  I’ve been here just over two weeks now.  I still haven’t really met any of the neighbors.  I know I could just go knock on the door and introduce myself, but it feels kind of artificial.  I guess I wish we still lived in the days when the neighbors came over with a chocolate cake when you moved in.  I’m hoping, at some point, there will be some kind of event where I can meet people naturally, without feeling like I’m intruding.

One of the hardest things for me to do is make connections.  It’s not that I dislike other people and it’s not as though I don’t want to have more friends.  I simply can’t seem to find a way to form relationships that doesn’t feel artificial to me.  I also find it hard to extend relationships outside the context in which they were formed.  I’ll meet people at work or in a class, but I don’t often have the good fortune to extend the relationships beyond what brought us together in the first place.  I don’t know why that is.

I guess part of it is the fact that I tend to be a little self protective.  In times past, I’ve sort of been a magnet for needy people, and those people have a tendancy to latch on and suck me dry.  The people pleaser part of me is attracted to those people.  They need me, and I figure if they need me they’ll also like me and want to stick around.  The only problem is that these sorts of people don’t give anything back.  I end up with my emotions and energies depleted and nothing else to show for it.  That’s clearly not the way to go.

What I really want is a group of close friends who are as supportive of me as I am of them.  I’d also like to meet some people who understand that I need my alone time.  There are simply times when I want to do my own work and be by myself.  I’ve found there are some people who simply don’t understand that.  Ideally, I’d also like to find a good man to love.  I won’t be cynical enough to say I’ve given up on that happening, but there are times I wonder if it every will.  That sort of love is worth a post or two on it’s own, and has a unique set of obstacles to overcome, but it is part and parcel of my wish for an expanded set of relationships.

I guess, in the end, I just have to follow the old advice I’ve heard so many times.  If you want to have friends, you have to be a friend.  Maybe, if I start reaching out more, I’ll be surprised at who reaches back.

I’ve always considered myself a pretty tough cookie. I grew up in a family with a father who drank and a mom who didn’t cope all that well. I spent a lot of time shoring up my Mom and neither parent was very helpful when I had emotional problems. I learned pretty early that my role was to be the supporter, not the supported. Eventually I was trained to take care of everyone else but myself.

Over the years I’ve made a virtue out of self reliance and soldiering through. I don’t whine and I don’t cry and I get on with things. All three times I was hospitalized this year I drove myself to the hospital. When I’ve had other crises in my life, I’ve dealt with them. If I do cry or get scared I do it in privacy. To me, that seems like the right thing to do. Besides, I’m reluctant to ask anyone else for help in case that help isn’t there.

What worries me is that, lately, I’ve noticed myself being rather harsh when other people express their emotions in public. I used to be a nurturing sort of person, and my first instinct was to reach out and comfort people and make things better. Now my first instinct seems to be to think that the person in question should just suck it up and move on. I certainly don’t feel inclined to offer help or sympathy.

I don’t want to be someone who isn’t helpful and caring, that’s not who I am. By the same token I’m also wary of offering help because I know how easy it is to be sucked dry by an emotional vampire. Healthy relationships where both partners take turns being the supportive one are one thing. Relationships where I’m constantly providing reassurance and support are something else all together.

I guess the solution is to try to connect with healthy people and to draw some boundaries. If I know how much support I’m willing to give and how much energy I’m willing to expend, I can take better care of myself. I also have to learn to ask for support. If I don’t ask, how will those around me know when I’m in need? Even though it makes me a bit uncomfortable, I have to learn to rely a bit on other people. That’s the only way to have healthy relationships.

I called this blog Settling for More for a reason. For a lot of my life I’ve felt like I’ve settled for less. I always had big dreams and hopes, but I also always had people telling me that those dreams and hopes most likely wouldn’t come true. The people who told me this weren’t being cruel or trying to crush me, they just knew me to be someone who dreamed large and they didn’t want me to get hurt when things didn’t happen as I imagined they would. I’m not sure I always appreciated that, but I do understand it.

I still dream big. I’m guessing that will never change. What has changed is the things about which I dream. I still want to accomplish a lot, but I’m no longer looking to be the most famous, the most beloved or to conquer the world. Mostly I just want to feel as though I’m doing good work, feel as though I’m loved, and feel as though I’ve made a difference. If those feelings came with a nice paycheck and a luxury lifestyle that would be nice, but it’s not necessary.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that the meaning of more is different for every person. My more won’t necessarily look like yours and vice versa. I believe that part of our job as people is to help those around us achieve their more, which means we can’t judge what someone else’s more looks like. One person may want to be a baseball player, another may hope to be instrumental in achieving world peace, and a third may aspire to open a vegan restaurant. None of those goals may figure into my more, but that doesn’t make them any less valid.

Part of the fun of this journey has been figuring out what my more is and what it is not. The things I thought I would want when I was 16 are not the things I want at age 39. Some of my ideas of more, like the idea of being a writer, have stayed pretty consistent. Others, like the thought that I would live in a penthouse in New York, have gone by the wayside. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that the meaning of more can change, and that the only way to achieve your more, and to help others achieve theirs is to be open to the idea that more can mean a lot of different things.

Personally, I find that exciting. I also think a world of people who are all working to achieve their own personal versions of more would be a very exciting and interesting place.