I’ve always been a person who lived in my head.  Half of my life has been lived in my imagination and generally has no connection to what is actually happening in the life I’m living.  I’ve imagined a million futures for myself.  In my head I’ve been everything from a famous writer to a famous singer to a spy to a master criminal.  I like playing with alternative futures and speculating what might have happened if I’d gone right instead of left.   It’s kind of fun.

It didn’t take long for me to recognize the power of this imagination that I have.  I’m pretty big on visualization.  For me, it works.  I tend to imagine scenarios and try to work them out in my head before I play them out in real life.  I’ve imagined job interviews, speeches, presentations, meeting new people and a host of other situations so when those things happened in real life I was ready.   While I’m not a huge proponent of the whole affirmation movement, I do believe that visualization can help you be prepared for real life events.  I know it has worked for me.  That, sadly, is what has me worried at the moment.

Any of you who read here regularly know that one of the goals of my 40 Things Project is to go on five dates this year.  I want to meet someone and fall in love.  I want to have a supportive, loving relationship.  I just can’t imagine that happening.

Sure, I can imagine the romantic movie kind of love.  I can fantasize about ending up with George Clooney or Tim Omundson or any number of handsome men,  and have a lovely time doing it.  What I can’t do is fathom meeting an ordinary guy and falling in love.  I can’t envision having someone there for me day in and day out.  I can’t imagine some man picking me to love over everyone else.  I just can’t see it.

I have to confess that worries me.  I’ve always believed if I could envision it, I could make it come true.  I’m not saying it would be easy or quick, but I believed I could get it done.  Now I’m trying to imagine something that is really quite important to me, and I can’t seem to see it.   I don’t know how it will look.  I can’t decide how it will feel.  I’m not sure I even believe it could happen.

So I guess that’s the question.  If I can’t imagine it, can it happen?

I had a plan.

Really, I did.

When I started this blog, I fondly imagined that I would have so much to say that the problem wouldn’t be starting writing, it would be stopping.  I had wanted to have my own venue for so long, a venue in which I could write whatever I liked, that I really thought there would be no issue with keeping the blog posts flowing.

I know, I should have known better.  After all I write blogs for work.  I know how demanding writing a blog can be, and how sometimes it feels like there is no end to the need for posts.  It’s how I imagine newspaper reporters feel about the press that prints the paper.  It’s there, like some ravenous monster, always hungry for more.  Sometimes that’s how I feel about this blog.

It isn’t necessarily that I’m at a loss for subjects.  Lord knows my life could provide me with an infinite number of blog posts.  It’s more, I think, that sometimes I just lack the motivation to write.  When I started writing here, I hoped that it would be a sort of therapy and it would help me make discoveries about myself.  One of the things that I’ve discovered is there are more things that I’m reluctant to discuss than I knew.  I’m not sure how I feel about that yet.  My intention was always to write about everything and let it all hang out.  Discovering that I may not be ready to do that was a bit of shock.

For those who read here, I just want to ask you to bear with me.  This is a work in progress.  I’m not sure where it’s going yet, or what it will end up being.  It’s kind of like the rest of my life.  There are a lot of possibilities, but no one clear path yet.

I do hope you stick around though.  Even though the path may be less than clear, I promise it will be an interesting journey.

I’m a procrastinator.  Not about everything, but I do tend to put some things off longer than is sensible or efficient.  Let me give you an example.  For the past several weeks I’ve had a few small things I needed to do.  I had to get a minor repair done on my glasses.   I needed to get the oil changed in my car.  I needed to buy a mop so I could mop the floors in my new place.  I had to return an item that didn’t work.  I knew I needed to do these things, but kept putting them off.

Yesterday, I finally went and ran those errands I’d been putting off.  My glasses were fixed quickly, easily and cheaply.  My oil change took about 20 minutes.  I was able to easily return the item I didn’t need, and the refund purchased the mop and floor cleaning stuff that I did need.  In all, I spent about two hours running errands and getting things done.  When I came home, a lot of little nagging tasks were off my list, and I felt a true sense of accomplishment.

What I’m trying to figure out is why I kept putting those tasks off, and why I exhibit similar behavior when it comes to doing things for myself.  Ask me to do something for someone else and I’m on it right away.  When, however, it comes to doing things that will benefit myself, I tend to put the task off.  I’m finding the tendency annoying and I’d really like to make it stop.

I suppose part of the reason I do it is because doing things for myself feels self indulgent.  I was always taught that doing things for others was virtuous and good.   I also have a pretty big streak of people pleaser in me.  Doing things for others is a way to be useful and a way to be liked.  Being a manager and a facilitator was a coping strategy of mine for many years  I suppose that still lingers.

Not that I want to be new agey about things, but I also think procrastination is a way of delaying benefits for myself.  If you don’t think you deserve good things in your life, you tend to delay taking the steps that would bring good things into your life.  Even if it’s something as simple as getting your glasses fixed so they don’t slip down your nose, procrastinating on completing the task means you’ll suffer an inconveneince just a little longer.  If you think you deserve suffering or punishment or should come last, procrastination is a great way to make that happen.

It could be that I’m overthinking this all way too much.  This certainly wouldn’t be the first time I’ve overanalyszed a situation to death.  I also suppose it really doesn’t matter why I procrastinate.  I just know I need to stop doing it.  After all, I do deserve only good in my life and procrastinating will only delay it that much longer.

I’ve never been a relax and go with the flow kind of girl.  I always want to be in control.  I suppose that’s a legacy from my childhood when I often felt out of control and powerless to change things while simultaneously being told that all the bad things that were happening were my fault.  Being so powerless while being told you’re so powerful can really mess with your head.

Basically I grew into an adult who pretty much assumed she was doomed but also believed that if she could just control everything she could avert that doom.   I spent a lot of time obsessing over how I could build the perfect life while around me my real life spun out of control.  I also spent most of my time stressed and tied up in knots.  I’m not sure I even knew the meaning of the word relax.

Gradually, very gradually, I started to get smart.  My first breakthrough was realizing that people who loved themselves didn’t purposely put obstacles in their own path.  My second breakthrough was realizing that I wasn’t doomed, and that maybe the best way to avert doom was to look at things in a more positive way.  The third breakthrough was realizing that the person who was causing me the most amount of stress was myself.

I’ve been through some really hard and painful stuff in my life.  At no point did obsessing about my problems and getting stressed help me find a solution to that problem.  It also did me no good to get mad about what seemed unjust or unfair. It still happened to me anyway.  Now I work on dealing with the problem without letting the problem get to me.  I want a good outcome and a positive lifestyle, but I also want to achieve those goals without making myself a nutcase.  Luckily, my two wishes are not mutually exclusive.

My plan now is to deal in a positive way with obstacles and problems.  I try to handle things immediately and not let them simmer, which is a new method for me.  I was the queen of avoidance, which often caused addtional problems.  Dealing with things in the here and now works much better and generally goes more smoothly than when I hid from problems and procrastinated.

I’ve also learned not to obsess and not to beat myself up when things don’t go as I would like.  I deal with the situation and once it’s over I’ve move on.  I’ve learned to cut myself a break, and my life is definitely happier because I’ve learned that skill.

Tomorrow at 4 p.m. I sign my name on the dotted line and officially become a homeowner. This morning I thought we would probably have to wait until next week to close the sale, but things got worked out and now we close on schedule.

I’m simultaneously filled with excitement and completely terrified. On one hand, it’s an adorable place and I’m so thrilled that I am able to buy it. The condo has luxuries like central air and a dishwasher and small things that I’ve wanted but never had. I’ll also be able to have my own washer and dryer and considerably more privacy than I do now. It’s what I’ve been wanting for quite a while.

In the terrified column goes the fact that my mortgage is a lot of money. There’s also the fact that I’ve never had sole responsibility for a house. I’ve always rented, so if there was a problem I just called the landlord and they made arrangements. It’s not that I don’t think I’m capable, it’s just that I’ve never had to handle home repairs before. It’s suddenly hit me that this very large asset is solely in my hands.

I suppose there’s a tinge of sadness too. One reason for the sadness is the fact that my Mom isn’t here to see this. She would have been so excited for me and so proud that I was doing so well. The other element of sadness is the fact that I always thought I’d be buying a house with a man to whom I was committed. Instead, I’m buying it alone. I guess I always just assumed there would be someone there to whom I could say “Honey, what’s that noise” when the water heater started knocking. Not having that someone makes me a little melancholy.

Still, overall I’m ecstatic. I’m becoming a homeowner. If someone had told me 20 years ago that I would make it to here I never would have believed them. I’m immensely proud to be in this position and I plan to savor every moment.

I titled this blog Settling for More for a reason. There have been a lot of time in my life when I didn’t do something I should have done. Either I failed to take advantage of an opportunity that was placed before me, or I allowed something to happen that I shouldn’t have allowed. I’m not beating myself up for any of that, I did the best I could at the time and that’s what counts. Still, I sometimes think that I would have been further toward achieving my goals if I’d taken a few more chances and stood firm for what I really wanted out of life.

This is all a round about way of saying that my plan when I started this blog was that I would expand my life in all directions. I’d start having adventures and trying new things and then I would come back and write about those new experiences here. It would be a journey of discovery.

The only problem is that I can’t seem to get started on the journey.

To be fair to myself, I have made some changes. I’m buying a condo, which is exhilarating and scares the crap out of me all at the same time. I’ve gotten more social and reconnected with some family and friends. I’ve certainly made more connections online. I’ve started eating better and working out more and I’ve lost some weight. Still, I feel like I should be doing more. The problem is that I can only handle so many changes at once. Right now, I feel like my life has been in sort of an upheaval since the afib was diagnosed in March. Everything since then has been about adjusting and managing and figuring out what happens next.

I guess, sometimes, I have to give myself a break. Life is a process and it may not always proceed as smoothly as we would like. When I look at things objectively, I see that I have made strides. Maybe I haven’t had big, extravagant adventures, but I have stepped outside my comfort zone. True, the steps may have been baby steps, but they were steps all the same. Tonight, I’m choosing to be proud of that.

Stupid Condo Lady, as I have lovingly come to call her, is really starting to piss me off. Ever since she got involved in this condo deal it has become complicated. She also seems incapable of answering any question with less than a two page answer, half of which is gibberish that means nothing. I was on the phone with her the other day and I actually spaced out in the middle of the conversation. I really have no recollection of what she said, and that sort of thing does not happen to me.

My wise friend, Steve, says I should relax and let the universe work its magic and that things will all come out as they are meant to be. I think the different between he and I is that he has a belief in the magic of the universe and I’m still skeptical. I guess, when it comes to things working out for the best I’m still from the show me state. Let me see it happen a few times and then maybe I’ll come to believe.

I also know that, subconsciously, I ‘ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop and things to fail to work out. I tend to do that with most big things that I care about, so it is entirely possible that I’m borrowing trouble where none exists and pulling out before there’s actually any reason to do so. I think part of my problem is that I really like this place and I could imagine myself living there. The more I want it, the more part of me expects that I won’t get it. Which, I suppose, especially if you believe in the magic of the universe and the idea that we create our own destiny, means that if I believe it won’t work out, it won’t.

For now I’m putting a moratorium on all worrying about the issue. I forwarded the latest communication from stupid condo lady to my mortgage person and my Realtor. Hopefully they’ll tell me what I need to worry about and when I need to worry. Until then, I’ll just assume all is well and move forward with my plans.

If, however, the universe feels inclined to do any magic, now would be a real good time.

In the past few months I’ve come to realize that something is missing in my life. That something is a sense of belonging to a community. In the past most of my communities have been work related, but that isn’t something that will happen at my present job. Unfortunately, I work a lot of hours, and so I tend to see the people I work with and the inside of my home. I’m having a difficult time meeting people.

I do feel a part of some online communities and that’s wonderful, but it isn’t a substitute for people who can actually hug you and hold your hand and talk to you. Although I feel connected to my online friends, the reality is that I could pass them on the street and never know who they were. I have hope that over time some of those connections will blossom into real world friendships but, in the meantime, I’m left with the sense that I don’t really belong anywhere or with anyone.

Lately I find myself being envious of people who are married or have a significant other. Part of me craves that sort of belonging, even though it is something I’ve never experienced. More than that, I want to feel a part of a group, to know that there are people with whom I belong. I wish I could say I felt that with my family, and to some extent I do, but I can’t say I feel like the bosom of my family is my place.

I guess, when it comes down to it, I don’t feel that I’ve found my place yet. I do know that, for me, part of settling for more is belonging to someone and to something. I’m just not sure how to make that happen.

I’ve worked for many years to learn to be a positive person. I try to look on the bright side. I work to see the good in every situation. I don’t want to be a rain cloud of gloom and doom or a person who has something negative to say about every situation. That isn’t fun to be around and it isn’t helpful.

Even knowing that, this afib thing is still messing with my head. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s all the unknowns and the can’t be knowns that are messing with my head. I know this, and I’m still letting them do that, which is making me angry. I want to just live my life with a zen-like calm, knowing that whatever happens, happens. Instead I’m wearing a divot in my wrist from taking my pulse every five minutes and making myself crazy. That’s not good.

I have a friend who tells me that I just have to trust that things will work out for the best. The problem is that I’ve always had a hard time with trust. Believing that everything is working for my highest good is sometimes easier to say than it is to believe. I work hard to find the silver lining in all this, but sometimes a small voice in my head says that, whatever the benefits, it would have been nicer had this whole thing not happened at all.

Still, I have to recognize that I have been given a chance here. Things could have been a lot worse. So, given that I have this second chance, I need to make the most of it, and the best way to do that is to live as full and joyous a life as possible. To do that, I need to stop waiting for the other shoe and just enjoy what comes my way.

I’d say that is truly part of settling for more.