Yesterday I said I was going to try some relaxation techniques and concentrate on making myself less crazy.  I’ve been having a lot of trouble with the unknown lately.  I worry about what my heart will or won’t do all the time.  Sunday is always one of the hardest days for me.  I think a lot of that is because when I schedule things for the weekend they usually happen on Saturday.  So, on Sunday I’m left mostly to myself and I have a lot of time to think.  That can be a recipe for disaster.

Yesterday, which was a Sunday, was different.  I woke up and had breakfast and exercised.  Another of the things I discovered was that I wasn’t eating enough.  I’d been getting the shakes a lot which was contributing to feeling stressed.  When I eat a more substantial meal the shakes go away and I feel much better.   I think I took the whole eating better thing a little too far.  I’m now rounding out my meals a little better and I can feel a change.

I’ve also started putting the heart rate and blood pressure monitor away in a cupboard.  Before it sat right out on the coffee table and every time I got obsessive I would see it and take my blood pressure.  Good readings were comforting for a while.  High readings just ratcheted up the anxiety.  As a result of being somewhat obsessive, I decided to put the monitor away. The monitor only comes out when I want to take a reading, and I try to limit myself to one in the morning and one at night.  Again, that seems to help.

The relaxation techniques seem to help some too.  It’s a bit early to tell, but I tried some of the tension reducing techniques and I did feel less tense.  If nothing else, some of the techniques do serve to redirect my mind, which does help.  So I’d say that’s a win.

The one problem area now is sleeping.  I woke up last night at about 2:30 and immediately checked my pulse, which felt fast to me.  That kept me obsessing for the next two hours.  In the morning I checked my pulse with the monitor.  It was perfectly normal.  So, obviously, trying to sleep gives me too much time to think and obsess.  I guess I have to work on that next.

If anyone has any strategies for relaxation and/or derailing negative thoughts I’d love to hear them.  Part of settling for more is having a joyous life, and right now I don’t feel like I’m meeting that goal.

I’ve been stressing myself out a lot lately.  Mostly the stress has been over health issues, which doesn’t make a lot of sense because, right now, everything seems to be going well.  So, basically I’m just making myself nuts for the fun of it, and that has to stop.

I’ve talked about the fact that afib is giving me trouble because there don’t seem to be any solid answers.  No one can tell if and when it will happen again.  No one can tell me that it won’t happen again.  No one can really tell me why it’s happening in the first place.  This is, of course, a recipe that is practically guaranteed to drive my stress levels into the stratosphere. 

I’ve decided that’s not going to happen any more.  My life is much better when I’m not obsessing every second over what my heart is or isn’t doing.  If I’m going to have another episode of afib there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  Worrying certainly won’t prevent it, and might even make it more likely.  So, it’s in my best interest not to worry and stress myself out over something I can’t control anyway.  I need to be relaxed.

I researched some relaxation techniques on the Internet and I’m going to start incorporating some of them into my daily routine.  I think this will be of real benefit.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’ve worked for many years to learn to be a positive person. I try to look on the bright side. I work to see the good in every situation. I don’t want to be a rain cloud of gloom and doom or a person who has something negative to say about every situation. That isn’t fun to be around and it isn’t helpful.

Even knowing that, this afib thing is still messing with my head. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s all the unknowns and the can’t be knowns that are messing with my head. I know this, and I’m still letting them do that, which is making me angry. I want to just live my life with a zen-like calm, knowing that whatever happens, happens. Instead I’m wearing a divot in my wrist from taking my pulse every five minutes and making myself crazy. That’s not good.

I have a friend who tells me that I just have to trust that things will work out for the best. The problem is that I’ve always had a hard time with trust. Believing that everything is working for my highest good is sometimes easier to say than it is to believe. I work hard to find the silver lining in all this, but sometimes a small voice in my head says that, whatever the benefits, it would have been nicer had this whole thing not happened at all.

Still, I have to recognize that I have been given a chance here. Things could have been a lot worse. So, given that I have this second chance, I need to make the most of it, and the best way to do that is to live as full and joyous a life as possible. To do that, I need to stop waiting for the other shoe and just enjoy what comes my way.

I’d say that is truly part of settling for more.

Worry runs in my family. My grandmother was a champion worrier. My mother was a gifted amateur. I have the worry gene myself and used to spend a lot of time worrying about things that never happened, or worrying about things that did happen, and which worrying never prevented. Eventually I learned that worrying about something was neither a preventative or a solution. Most of the time that stops me. Occasionally it doesn’t.

Afib is a health problem that is a worrier’s paradise. There are so many unknowns that practically anything can be worrisome. Will it come back? What if the meds don’t work? What if the meds do work and you can never go off them again? What if the symptoms get worse? What if this morphs into something more serious and life threatening?

I have to admit, I’ve had my moments of anxiety. I’m working on building up connections, but right now I feel the lack of supporters around me very keenly. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me it’s going to be o.k., and I’d prefer that someone be a person who cares about me, not a nurse or a doctor who’s paid to care. Not, mind you, that the majority of the nurses and doctors haven’t been great, they have been. It’s just that their caring tends to end when their shift does, and I’m just the patient in room whatever. Besides, in the hospital I’m watched over and protected. I need that same feeling when I’m out in the world on my own.

One thing I have learned is that worrying about all this is not the way to fix it. Action seems to be the way to get to where I want to be. I’ve definitely expanded my social horizons already. I’m working on eating healthier and getting more exercise. I’m also working on replacing my anxiety and worry with positive self-talk. I’ve never been one for affirmations, but I do believe that filling my mind with positive thoughts will be more beneficial to me right now than it would be to dwell on the negative. So, I try to do that, and not to borrow trouble.

In the end all I can deal with is this minute and in this minute my body is functioning as it is supposed to function. That’s all I know for sure and all I can ask. As for what happens next, that’s the next minute’s problem.

Lately, I’ve been having trouble sleeping. That’s not exactly a new thing for me, I’ve been an insomniac for most of my life. It tends to go in cycles, but the last week or so has been really bad. Until the last few days I was sleeping only a couple of hours a night. It really wasn’t fun.

I as concerned that the lack of sleep might have a negative effect on my health. Being tired all the time certainly didn’t encourage exercise. It also made me more prone to stress out about things. Fortunately, the lack of sleep didn’t seem to have an effect on my heart rhythm. That kept along as steady as a metronome. I’m grateful for that.

Here’s what I’m not so grateful for though. When the sleeplessness had gone on for a while, I e-mailed Regular Doc and asked about my options. I didn’t specifically ask for pills, I just asked what the possibilities were. The e-mail I got back said that I should try melatonin, which I have tried before, and which didn’t work, or I should schedule an office visit so we could discuss “lifestyle changes”.

I should say here that I’ve had some doubts about Regular Doc for a while. This is after all, the woman who let me wander around for three months before we found out by accident that I was in afib. She never seems to be current with the reports or med changes from Cute Cardiologist. Regular Doc also generally seems a bit scattered when I see her. I understand she has lots of patients, but I’d guess I stand out from the crowd a little, and I’ve certainly seen her more than most. You’d think she could remember at least the bare details.

In any case, I found her suggestion that we get together to discuss “lifestyle changes” a bit insulting. I’ve made a lot of lifestyle changes recently. I’ve adjusted to the fact that I have afib. I’ve undergone three hospital stays, without benefit of family support. I’ve adjusted to a lower paycheck when I miss work. I’ve lost twenty pounds so far and stepped up my exercise routine. I’m looking for a condo. I’ve worked at becoming more social. I’d say, right now, my life is all about change.

I’m not sure what really angered me about her e-mail, I’ve seen the lifestyle changes advice numerous times before. I guess, in this case, it just seemed kind of glib at a time when I really need people to recognize that I’m going through a lot of stuff. I don’t feel like my family recognizes that. I certainly know my employers don’t recognize that. Now, I feel like my doctor doesn’t either. That a bit disheartening.

I’ve never owned a home. I’m going to be 40 my next birthday and I’ve never had a mortgage or looked at a plot of earth and the dwelling that sat on it and thought “I own that”. Truthfully, up until recently I’ve never been sure owning a home was something I even wanted to do.

Most of my life I’ve ended up in the places I’ve lived by a sort of random fortune. The town in which I was born was one that my parents picked. The town in which I went to college (the first time) was a compromise. I wanted to go to Boston University, my parents didn’t want to pay for that. I ended up enrolling in a specialized program at one of the state colleges in Michigan. I didn’t much like the school (too big) and I really didn’t much like the town of which it was part. I still stayed several years.

After that, at the tail end of my lost year, I had no place to go and no real motivation to make a decision on my own about where I should land. I had relatives in the basic area where I live now, and so I came here. It seemed, to me at the time, at least as good a choice as any other I could have made. Besides, I told myself that I would only be here a while and then I would get on with my real life.

It is now over a decade later and it appears, at least right now, that my real life is here. I have a decent job here. I have friends here. Cute Cardiologist and a hospital with a first class cardiac wing are here. My Dad is relatively close. I know where the grocery and the drug store and the hairdresser I like are all located. While I wouldn’t say I’ve exactly put down roots, I’ve settled in. There isn’t anywhere else that I feel motivated to be, at least not at the moment.

I’d always clung to renting my current apartment for two reasons. One was that the rent was ridiculously cheap. The second was the idea that I might suddenly decide to go elsewhere. The rent is still ridiculously cheap, but the apartment is getting older. It also doesn’t appear that I’m in any hurry to go elsewhere. It appears it’s time to buy a home.

I started looking yesterday. Right off the bat I found a few places that would suit. I have a whole stack of other possibilities I need to go through today. While the prospect of owning a home terrifies me in some ways, it also makes me giddy with excitement. At last I’ll have a living space of which I can be proud.

That, to me, is truly settling for more.

I’ve always been something of a loner. I need time by myself, to be quiet and think and dream. Historically, if you put me in a situation where I had to interact with people every minute of the day I’d retreat, or become overwhelmed. I need my space and my time to do what I want to do. I always have.

One interesting thing that has happened since I’ve been ill is that I want to be around people more. I crave the contact in a way I haven’t in the past. Part of it, I think, is because being around other people seems safer. If something goes wrong, someone will be there. The other half of it is that being around other people is distracting. I find now that if I let myself I can spend a lot of time when I’m alone dwelling on what might happen. That, needless to say, isn’t good for anyone.

I often joke that I need to find my Zen, but I think in this case that might be true. Worrying only leads to stress and stress only exacerbates my condition. Worrying also won’t change anything, what’s going to happen is going to happen. I’ve worked very hard to learn to see the good and the positive in every situation and I don’t want to backslide into my old gloomy mindset. So, I’m putting a lot of effort into staying positive and seeing the opportunities in what’s happened lately.

As for being alone, the reality of the situation is that is what I am right now. Part of that is my own fault, I haven’t worked to cement existing connections with family and friends and I haven’t gone out of my way to create new connections. Perhaps that’s one of the greatest good things to come out of this whole mess, it’s prompting me to work harder to make connections. That’s got to be a positive.

In the end, however, I would like to get my affection and enjoyment of solitude back. At times being alone has done me a lot of good and I want to be comfortable with being in that state. I guess I’ll know I’ve reached equilibrium when I’m comfortable either way, alone or in company.

That will be a nice place to be.

So far, 2008 has been a very odd year for me.  The first two months of the year I was horribly sick and didn’t know why.  In March we found out it was Afib, which I then thought we cured.  April and May were spent working on getting healthier.  The first week of June found me dealing with more Afib.  Although I hope the remainder of the year will bring only good things,  I can’t know for sure.

Lately I’ve been watching people who are healthy go about their normal business and feeling envious.  I’d like to be so blithe and unconcerned about things.  Since the whole Afib thing started I’ve mostly been dealing wiht that or worrying about it, or trying not to worry about it. Part of me somehow wants to fast forward my life backwards to when I thought I was normal.  Of course, that can’t be done.

There is an old saying that says something to the effect of when the student is ready the teacher will come.  I’m really starting to believe that.  One of the blogs I read is called Fat Cyclist.  The man who writes it writes about cycling, but he also writes about his wife who now has brain cancer, and his family.  He is funny and wise and profoundly moving.   On June 5, he wrote a post about craving normalcy.  I totally get what he means.

There are a lot of areas in my life that need work right now.  What I’m starting to realize is that I don’t crave the normalcy I had before.  While I’d love my heart to keep working properly, I don’t really want to go back to the rest of my life before Afib.  If having this problem has done anything it’s made me see how much of a waste it is to let the good days go by and do nothing.  It has also made me appreciate the normal things I can do that much more.

For those of you out there who are healthy, be grateful and recognize what a gift that is.  For those of you who are dealing with health issues as I am, try as much as possible not to let them stop you.  The only way to go is forward, and the only thing to do is persevere.  That’s what I’m going to do. 

I wrote a post on the second about how I had experienced an episode of Afib but it was now done and over.  That apparently was premature.  I woke up in Afib again the next morning and spent the next three days in the hospital.  It has been, needless to say, an interesting week.

One of the things I’ve find most preplexing about all this was something that I touched on indirectly in my last post.  My life can, if I let it, become defined by my health.  In other words, my life can, if I let it, become defined by something I can’t really control.  My body and my heart will do what they will.  I can take the meds, and eat exactly right, and exercise every day and lose weight and avoid stress and I may still have episodes of Afib.  That’s now my reality.

I’ll admit up front that I’m a bit of a control freak.  I’m also have a bit of magical thinking syndrome left over from my childhood.  When I was a kid I always thought that if I was perfect and did everything right my biological dad would stop drinking and my parents would be more responsible.  In reality my behavior made no difference at all.  In my head, I had the power to change the world if I could just do everything right.

So, fast forward 20 years, and I’m facing a similar situation.  I can, as I have been recently, do everything I’m supposed to do and still not get the result I want.  It may not be fair and it may not be right, but that’s how things are.  There’s nothing that can be done about that.

So, I guess what I need to do is learn to control how I feel about what’s happening, while accepting that whatever happens is going to happen.   I also have to stop thinking all the nonsense about “fair” and “right” and “perfect”.  Things happen, and it doesn’t matter whether I’m a “good” person or a “bad” one.  What matters is how I react to the situation.

The day I can internalize that belief pattern is the day I really will start settling for more.

The afib flared up again or showed up again or did whatever afib does when it screws with my heart.  I spent last night and part of today in the hospital.  I had to be cardioverted.  My meds were changed.  Now I’m home and tomorrow I will go back to work as though nothing happened.  The only thing I’ll have to show will be the bruises on my hands from the IV needles. 

I think one of the reasons I’ve had such trouble making decisions lately is the fact that I don’t know what my health will do.  We could get the combination of meds right and I’ll never have another problem.  We could have to explore several options, up to and including surgery before we find a method of stopping the problem.   It could decide, as I diet and exercise, to go away on its own.  There’s simply no way to know.

So I guess my choice is this, I can live my life in spite of this problem or because of this problem.  Of the two the in spite of option appears to me more.  As I envision it, this scenario requires me to pursue my life to the fullest, making accomodations for afib when I’m forced to do so.  Afib doesn’t define me or become who I am, it is simply a medical condition with which I deal.

The other option is to live my life because of afib.  That means I never push too hard to get too tense or eat that slice of pizza simply because I want it.  In this life I’m always worrying.  I take my pulse a million times a day and fret incessently about how things are.  I don’t, at least not in this life, trust the universe or myself.

Of the two, the former sounds like a better choice.