When I wrote the 40 things list, I knew at least a few of the things on it would have to do with food.  In the past year I have spent a lot of time working to retrain my taste buds and to readjust my thinking about food.  I’ve always been a meat and potatoes girl.  I like cheese sauces and heavy cream and salty things and, well, everything that is basically bad for me and a recipe for a heart attack.

I knew the diet I had been following wasn’t a wise one.  Sure I loved Idaho pizza, after all who wouldn’t love mashed potatoes covered with bacon, cheese and sour cream, but it wasn’t a healthy way to eat and it wasn’t doing my heart or the rest of my body any favors.  I needed to learn to eat more mindfully, and with more of a focus on nutrition, but I didn’t want to give up the flavors I loved or the fun of eating food that just tasted good.  That’s why item number two made it on to the 40 things list.

My goal is to try a new recipe every week.  Some of them will be elaborate.  Some will probably be very simple.  I want to build a new list of reliable recipes that are both good tasting and good for me.  I’d also like to figure out how to redo some of the recipes for dishes I currently love but which are really not nutritionally sound.  I’d love to make a more healthy version of Idaho Pizza for example.  I’m just not entirely sure how I would go about doing that.

I obviously have a lot to learn about food and about eating healthy, which is why number two made it on the list in the first place.  I’ve been doing some research on my own, but I’d love to know from where you all get your healthy recipes.  Also, if you have a favorite recipe, please do share.  We have a lot of Foodie Fridays to get through before the 40 Things project is complete.

Today I want to talk about number 33 and number 36 on my 40 things list.  Number 36 is “Stop Procrastinating”.  This is something I really need to take to heart and I figured a one of the things I need to stop procrastinating about is number 33.   As I said last week, dating basically gives me hives.   I knew this when I put dating on the list, and I knew I have a tendency to avoid things that make me uncomfortable when I put stop procrastinating on the list.   So, I want to stop procrastinating, and I’ve resolved I’m going to join an online dating site.  I now have just one problem.

I’m not sure which one to join.

If you Google “online dating sites” you get 28, 300,000 results.  That’s a lot of sites.  Some of the sites have names I recognize, others I’ve never heard of, even in passing.  Add to that the fact that sites like Facebook have dating groups and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever know what’s right.  Should I go with a site that has a name I recognize on the theory that a well known site will have more choice? Or should I got with a site that has a narrower focus in the hopes I’ll find someone who shares a particular interest of mine?  Maybe I should sign up with a site that is for the 40 and over crowd, expect I’m not sure I want to limit my age range like that.  After all, what if the man of my dreams is 35 or, though this seems less likely, 25?

I guess one way to make a decision would be to look at reviews of online sites.  My only concern here is how will I know how impartial the reviews are.  On the other hand, I have to wonder if reviews matter at all.  Maybe all the sites are the same.  Maybe I’m better off going  for something local rather than something nationwide or global.

Maybe I’m dithering and putting obstacles in my own path so I don’t have to sign up for any site at all.

O.k., this has got to stop.  I said I was going to do this, and I am.

In one week.

I’m going to research all the sites I can find this week.  I’m also throwing myself on the mercy of those who read this blog.  If you’ve ever used a site or know someone who’s using an online dating site, please share your (or their) experience.  I’d love to have some first hand testimonials.

Next Monday I’ll make my decision, sign up with one site and put my profile out there for all the world to see.

Have I mentioned I hate this?

I guess, despite that fact, I have to believe it will be worth it.

When I was making up the list for my 40 things project I knew I wanted it to be a mixture of tasks that enriched my life and tasks that challenged me.  I want to make some real changes this year, so I didn’t want my list to be entirely frivolous or entirely boundary pushing.  I wanted a bit of each and, for the most part, I think that’s what I got.

Most of the things on my list are in my comfort zone or not far out of it.  Creating a garden, that’s a snap.  Meeting my fitness and exercise goals is a bit harder and requires some lifestyle change, but it can be done.  I’m even finding the stuff that requires me to get out and meet people I don’t know and be (gasp!) social in a non-work, non “this is my field of competence” setting to be a bit exciting, most of the time anyway.  Sadly, it seems there’s only one set of items that’s giving me trouble.

I put dating on the list because I do want to find the love of my life.  I do want to fall in love and know what it feels like to have that be a positive experience.  I’d like to know what being part of a loving couple is like.  I just don’t want to have to meet a man, get to know him, date, make myself vulnerable and potentially experience rejection to get to that point.

Ideally, I’d look up and spot the man of my dreams across a crowded room.  We’d know instantly we were meant for each other and that would be it.  There would be no awkward first date, first kiss, first night together,  it would all be decided in an instant and we’d both be filled with the certain knowledge that this was right.

I know that only happens in romance novels, and usually not even in those because the man and woman can’t finally get together and be happy until the book ends, but I’m starting to think having it happen in an instant may be the only way I’m going to find love.  I’m too gun shy and I’ve been burned too many times before to trust easily or quickly.  While I tell myself I’m worth it, I do have doubts that there are many, if any, men who will stick around while I work things out.  Frankly I’m not sure I would were the situation reversed, so how can I expect anyone else to do so?

When I started the list for this project I made a commitment to see it through.   I didn’t realize when I put dating on the list how much angst and fear the idea of dating would bring up.  So I suppose I’ll have to work a bit harder to get past the “but I don’t wanna” feelings and I’ll have to trust that this will be a good thing and worth doing.   I’ll also have to trust that there are men out there who will think I’m worth it.  After all, I’m a different person now, so I should be much better at choosing men.

I guess I’ll just have to repeat that to myself until it sinks in.

I was going to start off tonight’s post with an update on the 40 things challenge.  The good news is that I’ve done a few things, I bought a shirt the cost of which will be donated to fight cancer.   I tried a new recipe, but there will be no Foodie Friday post this week, because I didn’t like the recipe I tried.  As impossible as it seems, I think I ruined pot roast. In any case, there wasn’t enough to make much more than a paragraph and that seemed like an awfully short post.

So, today, in lieu of a 40 things post, I’m going to take part in a meme.  I was tagged by H at Just H Design.   The meme requires that you list your top 7 dream jobs.   Hmm, this should be fun.  Or very revealing.   Or both, I suppose.

Dream Job #1:  Lounge Singer – I’ve always had a secret yen to put on a slinky gown, drape myself over a piano and sing torch songs until the wee small hours of the morning.

Dream Job #2: Museum Curator – I love history and old things.  Seeing how people lived and touching pieces of living history has always been fascinating to me.   I’d love to be able to design exhibits and teach people about the past.

Dream Job #3:  Romance Novel Writer – I want to write the bodice ripper novels, complete with heaving bosoms and throbbing loins.  O.k., not really, but I wouldn’t mind writing good romance novels and getting paid for it.  A well written romance novel is rather hard to find.

Dream Job #4: Leader of the Free World -  Hey, I couldn’t do much worse than those who’ve held the job in the past.

Dream Job #5: Restaurant Owner/Chef – I’ve always loved the idea of feeding people fabulous food in an amazing setting.  I’ve always pictured my restaurant as an intimate little bistro where only the best food and drink is served.

Dream Job #6: George Clooney’s Personal Assistant – See, he hires me for the job, realizes I’m what he’s been looking for all his life, sweeps me off my feet and we live happily ever after.   Hey, this is about life fantasies right?

Dream Job #7: Taster in a Gourmet Chocolate Factory – Dark chocolate please and really high end stuff.   I know I’d probably get sick of it after a while, but it sure would be fun until I got to that point.

I’m not sure what my dream jobs reveal about me, but it was fun thinking about them.  I’m going to pass this meme along to a few of my blogging friends.  It will be interesting to see what they have to say.

Jamie at Paint Til You Faint

Jody at The Hunter’s Wife

Tag, you guys are it.

Last year, at the end of the post I wrote about my 39th birthday I said I hoped that my 40th birthday would be very different.  In that post I said this:

It is 364 days until my next birthday.  My goal is to make the post I write about my 40th birthday a very different post from the one I wrote about my 39th.  I have the bravery and the determination and a plan.  Most importantly, I know I’m worth it.

As it turns out, for once I wasn’t just saying the words I thought I should say.  I really meant what I said, and I did have a plan.  As a result, my 40th birthday was very different than my 39th in several ways.  Let’s count them:

1. My family remembered
2. My friends remembered
3. I had a fabulously beautiful cake made especially for me by a friend
4. Another friend sent flowers
5. 2 more friends took me out for dinner

If anything shows me how worthwhile the 40 things project is going to be for my life,  it has been the events of this birthday.  A year ago I was lonely and sick and resigned that this was my life.  This year I had a lovely day with friends.  Over the past year I have worked at reaching out more to family and friends and, if today is any indication, they’re reaching back.  It’s a lovely feeling.

I have to say that I’m immensely proud of myself at this moment.  I still have my moments of being scared but I am making strides and I am getting to where I want to be.

There really are no words for how good that feels.

Well, this is it, the last five things.  At the end of this post, my list will be complete.  How exciting is that?   I guess it’s not before time too, as my birthday is this Thursday.  That day will, of course, mark the official beginning of my journey.  I”m kind of excited and a little scared.  I think this is going to be a year that brings a lot of change.

List Item 36:  Stop procrastinating – I’m am a terrible procrastinator, and I mostly procrastinate about stuff that will benefit me.  I”m not sure why that is, but I want it to stop.

List Item 37:  Say thank you – There are a lot of people that have helped me in my life.  Some were mentors at jobs I had, others were friends that threw me a lifeline when I needed one,  a few were family that offered me a safe place when no place felt safe.  Because of my insecurities I tend to abandon people before they can abandon me.  I’ve not always done right by people who’ve done right by me.  This year I’d like to say thank you, publicly, to some people who deserve it.

List Item 38: Learn to say no – I’m a people pleaser.  Like a lot of people who still battle low self esteem I tend to crave approval.  One way to get approval is to take on all the mucky jobs and volunteer to do what others don’t want to do.  The problem with this strategy is that you often get stuck with all the work and no one appreciates you anyway.  This year I only want to say yes to what I really want to do, and to what I think will benefit me, not to the things I think will make other people like me more.  I’m of value just as I am, not because of what I do.

List Item 39: Value myself highly -  As the hair color commercial says “I’m worth it”.  This year I want to learn to appreciate my strengths.  I want to look in the mirror and think “people are lucky to be with you” not wonder why people would want to be with me.  I’ve spent too long thinking I wasn’t worth it.  As I turn 40 I want to know I’m not only worth it, I’m a treasure.

List Item 40: Have Fun – I’ve never been much good at being carefree and in the moment.  I’ve always worried about how I’d be perceived, or I felt I should be more responsible or I just couldn’t relax enough to let go and enjoy myself.   In my 40th year I’d like to have at least a few moments of good, silly fun, and I’d like to be able to unbend enough to enjoy the moment.

Wow.  That’s the end of the list.  I’ve set myself quite a task for the next year, and I’m excited and a little apprehensive about getting started.   I’m eager to see how this all turns out.