I’ve always been a person who lived in my head.  Half of my life has been lived in my imagination and generally has no connection to what is actually happening in the life I’m living.  I’ve imagined a million futures for myself.  In my head I’ve been everything from a famous writer to a famous singer to a spy to a master criminal.  I like playing with alternative futures and speculating what might have happened if I’d gone right instead of left.   It’s kind of fun.

It didn’t take long for me to recognize the power of this imagination that I have.  I’m pretty big on visualization.  For me, it works.  I tend to imagine scenarios and try to work them out in my head before I play them out in real life.  I’ve imagined job interviews, speeches, presentations, meeting new people and a host of other situations so when those things happened in real life I was ready.   While I’m not a huge proponent of the whole affirmation movement, I do believe that visualization can help you be prepared for real life events.  I know it has worked for me.  That, sadly, is what has me worried at the moment.

Any of you who read here regularly know that one of the goals of my 40 Things Project is to go on five dates this year.  I want to meet someone and fall in love.  I want to have a supportive, loving relationship.  I just can’t imagine that happening.

Sure, I can imagine the romantic movie kind of love.  I can fantasize about ending up with George Clooney or Tim Omundson or any number of handsome men,  and have a lovely time doing it.  What I can’t do is fathom meeting an ordinary guy and falling in love.  I can’t envision having someone there for me day in and day out.  I can’t imagine some man picking me to love over everyone else.  I just can’t see it.

I have to confess that worries me.  I’ve always believed if I could envision it, I could make it come true.  I’m not saying it would be easy or quick, but I believed I could get it done.  Now I’m trying to imagine something that is really quite important to me, and I can’t seem to see it.   I don’t know how it will look.  I can’t decide how it will feel.  I’m not sure I even believe it could happen.

So I guess that’s the question.  If I can’t imagine it, can it happen?

I’m a bit of a control freak.  I’m a Type A personality and I like to know how things are going to go.  I want to manage my life so nothing bad happens and everything goes smoothly.   I’m not good with the unexpected and I’m awfully good at bargaining with a life that doesn’t accept bargains.  I keep trying to live up to my end of the bargain and then getting pissed when life doesn’t live up to it’s half of the deal.  As though life made a deal or even cares that I had expectations.  Still I keep banging my head against the same wall.

They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  In my case, my lesson about lack of control has been a little something called Afib.  For those who don’t know, Afib is a heart issue.  Basically the rhythm of your heart gets all screwed up.  Your heart races, you retain fluid, you get short of breath.  It’s not life threatening, unless left untreated over a long period of time, but it’s not fun.

Until last Sunday, it had been nine months since I’d had to deal with Afib.  I took my meds faithfully, right on time, every day.  I exercised.  I ate right.  I worked to minimize stress.  I got more sleep.  I did everything I could to live a heart healthy life and, in return, I expected Life to keep my heart healthy.  Except Life apparently didn’t get that memo.  This Easter saw me in the Emergency Room with a case of atrial flutter.  My bargain and all my hard work apparently didn’t matter at all.

I guess the Universe is trying to tell me something, and will keep bringing the lesson until I get it.  I can’t control my life or the people in it.  I can’t even control what my own body does.  All I can control is how I react to the circumstances of my life.   All I can do is go with the flow.

A lot of this year so far has been spent railing at the circumstances of my life.  I’m mad that I haven’t met the love of my life yet.  I’m bored with my job.  I’m angry that my body isn’t working right. I’m annoyed by this and depressed by that and generally grousing about things I can’t change.  Being the control freak that I am, I want to bend the world to my will, instead of bending to the will of the world.

The thing is, the world and the people in it, will do as they like regardless of what I want.  The only thing I can control is how I choose to react to what happens around me.  I can do my best to provide myself with opportunities to have the best circumstances possible, but I can’t make life work to suit me and my need for control.  All I can do is relax and swing at whatever gets thrown at me.   All I can do is live my life as positively and with the best attitude I possibly can.

My attitude, thankfully, is one thing I can control.