I’m a bit of a control freak.  I’m a Type A personality and I like to know how things are going to go.  I want to manage my life so nothing bad happens and everything goes smoothly.   I’m not good with the unexpected and I’m awfully good at bargaining with a life that doesn’t accept bargains.  I keep trying to live up to my end of the bargain and then getting pissed when life doesn’t live up to it’s half of the deal.  As though life made a deal or even cares that I had expectations.  Still I keep banging my head against the same wall.

They say when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  In my case, my lesson about lack of control has been a little something called Afib.  For those who don’t know, Afib is a heart issue.  Basically the rhythm of your heart gets all screwed up.  Your heart races, you retain fluid, you get short of breath.  It’s not life threatening, unless left untreated over a long period of time, but it’s not fun.

Until last Sunday, it had been nine months since I’d had to deal with Afib.  I took my meds faithfully, right on time, every day.  I exercised.  I ate right.  I worked to minimize stress.  I got more sleep.  I did everything I could to live a heart healthy life and, in return, I expected Life to keep my heart healthy.  Except Life apparently didn’t get that memo.  This Easter saw me in the Emergency Room with a case of atrial flutter.  My bargain and all my hard work apparently didn’t matter at all.

I guess the Universe is trying to tell me something, and will keep bringing the lesson until I get it.  I can’t control my life or the people in it.  I can’t even control what my own body does.  All I can control is how I react to the circumstances of my life.   All I can do is go with the flow.

A lot of this year so far has been spent railing at the circumstances of my life.  I’m mad that I haven’t met the love of my life yet.  I’m bored with my job.  I’m angry that my body isn’t working right. I’m annoyed by this and depressed by that and generally grousing about things I can’t change.  Being the control freak that I am, I want to bend the world to my will, instead of bending to the will of the world.

The thing is, the world and the people in it, will do as they like regardless of what I want.  The only thing I can control is how I choose to react to what happens around me.  I can do my best to provide myself with opportunities to have the best circumstances possible, but I can’t make life work to suit me and my need for control.  All I can do is relax and swing at whatever gets thrown at me.   All I can do is live my life as positively and with the best attitude I possibly can.

My attitude, thankfully, is one thing I can control.